we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
