a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
