She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
