happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
