i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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