Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
Randomize
