new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
