hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?
oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
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