I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
