I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
