Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
