i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
