There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
