I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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