i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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