You don't have asthma, your pregnant
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
