She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
