cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
i can't believe i had my finger in that
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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