the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
