I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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