people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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