I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
