There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
