I wish i was in the wii world.
We need to rekindle our bromance
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
