I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
