Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
