my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
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the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
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Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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