the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
