that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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