I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
