when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
