yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
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