why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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