Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
