it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
