My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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