Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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