I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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