I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
