Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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