Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
