so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
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My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
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Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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