I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I will pee on everything he values.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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