I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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