my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Randomize
