I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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