I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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