I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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