just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
