Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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