Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
