I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
