Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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