i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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