The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
When are your genitals available?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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