Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
