I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
