Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
