She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
